| Christian Marcus Lyons |
Website Disclaimer (1) visit the Website only in a single astral body at a time. (2) make one copy of the Website in crayon, provided that such copy of the original may be used solely for refrigerator decoration and is initialed by a qualified 8-year-old. (3) transfer the Website and its proprietors and all their friends and relations to another party together with a copy of this License and all necessary supplies and provisions, provided you give ORION/MEDIA your undying love and the other party reads this License and agrees to adopt the whole kit and caboodle in lieu of his/her own kith and kin. Restrictions You may NOT telepathically distribute copies of the Website to others or transfer the Website directly from brain to brain through subliminal parasitic interference patterns. The Website contains arcane conceptual idiosyncrasies and to protect them you may NOT reduce the Website to a human perceivable form. YOU MAY NOT MODIFY, ADAPT, TRANSLATE, RENT, LEASE, LOAN, RESELL FOR PROFIT, DISTRIBUTE, NETWORK, OR CREATE DERIVATIVE WORKS BASED UPON THE WEBSITE OR THE UNIQUE GENETIC SEQUENCES OF ITS CREATORS OR YOU WILL UNLEASH MYSTERIOUS FORCES OUTSIDE THE HUMAN KEN. Do not operate heavy machinery or choose a sexual partner while viewing the Website. You may NOT send any money for the product because there isn't really what you could call a product, as such. There is only the Website. Please wash your hands before visiting the Website and keep your hands on the keyboard, where ORION/MEDIA can see them. Termination This License shall remain in effect until you are too old and bitter to care. This License will terminate in a puff of bluish smoke if you fail to comply with any provision of good taste and irreproachable decorum. Upon termination you must destroy the hopes and dreams of all those dearest to you. Disclaimer Warranty Disclaimer, Limitation of Remedies and Damages:The Website will perform substantially in accordance with what you'd expect from something that's absolutely free. If, within ninety (90) days after your visit, the Website fails to do so, then ORION/MEDIA and its affiliates invoke the provisions of the Tough Casabes Act. ORION/MEDIA does not warrant that the Website will appeal to your very peculiar tastes or that the operation of the Website will be uninterrupted bliss. You assume responsibility for the selection of the Website to achieve your intended results and for whatever gets you through the night. Although changes or improvements to the Website may be made, who the hell cares? ORION/MEDIA is under no obligation to provide diddly. The Website should be used only with computers.You must stand up, and read the FOLLOWING aloud, at the top of your lungs: Complete Statement of Warranty THE LIMITED WARRANTIES PROVIDED ABOVE ARE THE ONLY WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND THAT ARE MADE BY ORION/MEDIA ON THE WEBSITE, AND THEY'RE NOT WORTH THE PAPER THEY'RE NOT PRINTED ON. NO ORAL OR WRITTEN INFORMATION OR ADVICE GIVEN BY ORION/MEDIA, ITS HANGERS-ON, ITS PARAMOURS, OR THOSE WHO MERELY WORSHIP FROM AFAR SHALL CREATE A WARRANTY OR ANYTHING SORTA LIKE A WARRANTY, AND YOU MAY NOT RELY ON ANY SUCH INFORMATION OR ADVICE, EXCEPT MAYBE THIS PARTICULAR ADVICE, WE'RE NOT SAYING. THIS WARRANTY GIVES YOU SPECIFIC LEGAL RIGHTS IN THIS SOLAR SYSTEM. YOU MAY HAVE CONJUGAL RIGHTS, WHICH VARY BETWEEN MARITAL STATES AND FEDERAL CORRECTIONAL INSTITUTIONS. Limitation of Liability IN NO EVENT WILL ORION/MEDIA, OR ITS DEVELOPERS, DIRECTORS, OFFICERS, EMPLOYEES, CONCUBINES OR CAMP FOLLOWERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY CONSEQUENTIAL, INCIDENTAL, OR INDIRECT DAMAGES (INCLUDING DAMAGES FOR LOSS OF COURAGE, COITAL INTERRUPTION, LOSS OF ERECTION, AND THE LIKE) ARISING OUT OF THE USE OF OR INABILITY TO USE THIS WEBSITE OR SPECIFIC PARTS OF YOUR ANATOMY EVEN IF ORION/MEDIA OR ANY AUTHORIZED ORION/MEDIA REPRESENTATIVE HAS BEEN ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES. BECAUSE SOME STATES IN AMERICA DO NOT ALLOW MARRIAGE BETWEEN FIRST COUSINS, THE ABOVE LIMITATIONS MAY NOT APPLY TO YOU. U.S. Government Restricted Use Provisions If this Website is acquired by or on behalf of a unit or agency of the United States Government,we will laugh ourselves silly. General You acknowledge that there is nothing on television bad enough to make you read this agreement all the way through, understand it's a Complete Crock and that it is the complete and exclusive Load of Total Bull which supersedes any prior Load of Bull, oral or written, and any other communications between ORION/MEDIA and you relating to the subject of this agreement, and indeed, any communications whatsoever since the Big Bang, and that your obligations under this agreement are grave indeed, and no fit subject for sophomoric japes. No variation of the terms of agreement or endearment let alone intimate physical contact is permitted unless ORION/MEDIA gives its express consent in writing countersigned by a licensed physician and you are willing to be friends first. FURTHERMORE, violators of this disclaimer will be forced to spend eternity, or three days, whichever comes first, in a locked room with ELBERT WADE. You will be forced to listen to him whine and wheedle until your ears bleed. We're not kidding. We know where he lives. |